And then, considering my last visit to this topic I find it important, or at least fair, to talk more about feelings. Feelings, as I said before, were never absent in me. I have enjoyed and apprehended being in love before, and the awe that I have often derived from mystery is more powerful than I can describe in these paragraphs. It is also fair to explain that in the last several years I have had the opportunity (sometimes without much choice) to experiment with emotions. These have always seem to me like limitations. For the majority of my adolescent life I thought them either lacking in my experience or important enough only to be afforded to some people or events – today that is no longer material. Like people, they came and went without making much, if any difference to my goals and missions. What others thought of me was also immaterial to my happiness.
Life, however, always has a way to put things in perspective. To me, being happy has never been about [feeling] anything other than being in control – getting the mission accomplished when and how it had to be accomplished. It was losing that control that made me into an unpleasant little man, who while knowing what had to be done to regain domain over all that was important decided to entertain anger and misery, even in the eyes of others; especially, in the eyes of others. I had, and due to several experiences, which now seem predictable, and trivial, forgotten that I could control my emotions. And that despite the fact that they were there all the time, they were very low by default and I could increase or decrease their intensity as required by the goal at hand.
I am not defined by labels, neither my race nor my appearance has ever determined my circle of sentiments or employment opportunities; they have never stopped me from getting the girl, or from making friends with the coolest people in the room. Following this habit of being undefinable by pre-set designations, I do not embrace the word psychopath (functional psychopath as the score in that clinical test would put it); I simply take the positive aspects of such diagnosis and use them, as I do my emotions to get shit done, to accomplish the mission. What that mission is changes with every day that goes by, the goal is ever expanding; it grows moment by moment and it will continue to do so until the day when I can look back on my life and rejoice in having been the best that I could have been. Nothing else will do.
That’s all for now, and perhaps I will share with you how being in the moment is the best way to get past life’s limitations.